“Becoming who you need, may require leaving who you’re with”. Those words didn’t make much sense to me in the beginning. I figured I knew who I was and was happy with what I had. All I needed was someone I loved and who loved me; then life would be complete.
“I never thought how loving incorrectly would show you how little you know of yourself“
With so many relationships today struggling to survive and so many friends and family members staying in relationships longer than they ought to. It almost seems as if we’re lost, love is lost and our non attempts to better ourselves has shifted into blaming it on other peoples toxic behavior.
In reality there is a list of reasons why we stay in relationships that are no longer serving us instead of leaving. A few being guilt, fear, comfort, complacency and selfishness. For me it was consideration, not for my self but my partner. I neglected myself and my own personal growth because I considered my previous partners feelings more than my own. A generational trait learned and taught from my mother.
Rightfully In any relationship there should be a level of consideration for your partner. I on the other hand adamantly considered how splitting up and choosing to end things would affect their life more than my own. I didn’t want to be that bad relationship that changed the person they were inside. I didn’t want to be their stress or the reason things began to fall apart for them. I didn’t want to be the one to “ROCK THE BOAT”. In the process I couldn’t see how my boat had already capsized.
I subsequently learned that by having considerably low or no consideration for myself and a higher consideration for my partner, my relationship began to feel miserable and one-sided. I began to feel trapped and stagnant. I became what felt like nothing more than a giver and soon forgot what it felt like to receive. My love tank wasn’t being poured into and my partners apparent disinterest for my feelings, and non desire to grow themselves or our relationship soon appeared to me as a self sacrifice. In time, and many wasted conversation I came to a self actualization. It wasn’t their fault it was mine. It was finally clear to me what was happening.
“I couldn’t become who I needed, because of who I was with”. Though the idea of being together was pleasant, and the image of us together to our family and friends was overwhelming welcome.
My partners subconscious or conscious use of emotional intelligence kept me from focusing on myself and what I was deprived. They knew the exact words and body gestures to keep me focused on them, what they wanted and what they liked. Consumed with thoughts of failing my partner left no room for fulfilling myself. Whether their intentions were to keep me derailed or defocused one thing was clear. “I didn’t have the person I wanted, because I hadn’t become the person I needed before our relationship”.
As long as I stayed in the relationship I couldn’t feel appreciated because I wasn’t appreciating myself. Ive always found and felt appreciated through showing appreciation to others. It wasn’t until someone I valued didn’t reciprocate it. I realized all the appreciation I wanted to feel and give to my self I couldn’t. I had never been put in a position to have to give it to myself. I didn’t know how; and it was evident neither did my partner. She had always been on the receiving end just as I giving.
Love no longer existed because I no longer showed or gave love to myself. I over compensated for the love I didn’t feel or receive by overly loving someone thinking they would in turn love me in the same ways I loved them. What a misconception I had.
I started to understand, it wasn’t fair of me to hold my partner responsible for not giving me something that I hadn’t given to myself. I was subconsciously expecting her to fill a void in me that I neglected to fill myself beforehand, and it was unfair for me to except such desire.
“I couldn’t become who I needed until I left who I was with, but Being with who I had also showed me I needed to become who and what I wanted’’.
The biggest and most rewarding challenge was walking away. Respecting them enough to allow them to be as they are and find their match. More importantly stepping away to allow my self to ‘become the partner my life deserves’.
Deserving more means nothing without becoming more. My desires began to out weigh my actions and leaving allowed me to focus on becoming what I wanted to have and see in my life. Being and finding a great partner starts within. You have do the work within to attract what and who you want in and around your life.